I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize