took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
