I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
