The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
