Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
