nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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