Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize