Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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