I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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