Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do vagina's smell?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
