take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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