Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
