Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
