The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
