she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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