is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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