She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
