If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
