walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize