Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
