meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
