mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
