chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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