We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
