Who did Billy Mays play for?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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