I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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