I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize