she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
