I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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