I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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