I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
