Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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