Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize