forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
