I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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