I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
