Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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