i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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