she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
