Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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