last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
