I think i peed on brittanys purse
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
