woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
