apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
