I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
