I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize