My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
