Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
