i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
