there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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