i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
