I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
