I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
