I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
