remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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