It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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