it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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