did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
