my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
