I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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