I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
