Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
