to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Oh god it's open bar.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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